This post was not supposed to be about this. I had every intention of writing a post about something else, but it just wasn’t coming. Evidently God had different plans.

When I set out to start this blog, my intention was to share my life with all of you in a way that could help you. But I drew a thick solid black line at areas that might show weakness. I’m no expert on life, but I feel like I know enough to teach people a thing or two. I’ve been blessed. My life has been joyous. I had a great childhood filled with family and friends and blessings. Most days I smile. But this hasn’t always been true.

Friends, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for the better part of 10 years. I’ve taken medications, sought out therapy and practiced coping mechanisms. And for the most part, I’m ok. Most days I’m fine, and I can handle life and anything it throws at me, but other days. Other days I cry out to Jesus from the deepest part of my being.

I have to be honest with you all, it’s only by the grace of God I’m still here today. When the first major bout of depression hit me, and I became suicidal, I didn’t think I would make it.

People have asked me what it felt like to be at that place. I can only describe it as the heaviest weight and greatest pain I’ve ever felt. There was no hope, no way out and no light. My pain came from an emotional wound, but it carried through my entire being. It was more than just being sad. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t eat. The pain radiated to my muscles and bones and I felt as though I could not survive it. I wish I could more accurately describe it, but there are no words to describe that pain.

Now, when I think about the circumstances which surrounded that time in my life, I feel silly that it caused me to go into such a tailspin. But I now know that my depression has been an issue for longer than I thought, and this event just forced me to deal with it for the first time.

A lot of Christians felt the need to try to ‘council’ me when they learned I was struggling. They reminded me that God loved me, that I should just pray about it, or find joy in the moments. And all those things are true. But they are not what saved me.

What saved me was people. People showing me God loved me, praying with me and showing me the joy. My family coming around me and supporting me, challenging me and praying for me. My counselor patiently working through my feelings and forcing me to face them. Cards and meals, tangible acts of kindness that I couldn’t run away from.

Why am I telling you this? Because it’s time we stopped acting like depression and anxiety are things God doesn’t care about. Yes, I believe that God reached down and pulled me from the pit. But I also believe that He planted people in my path specifically to show me the way out. He gave me a doctor who listened to me and gave me medications to help me recover. He gave me a support system. And even before those things, He was there.

I remember laying in my bed one night crying. I think I was trying to pray, and I couldn’t find the words. My mind just kept repeating “God please make the pain stop”, but it didn’t. As I laid there, I felt God wrap His arms around my frail body and hold me until I fell asleep. That night was the first night I slept in peace. The pain didn’t go away, but neither did God.

I don’t know what you are dealing with, and I won’t pretend to. I know that there are others who struggle just like I do. And if that’s where you are today, I’m so sorry. But you are not alone. It may feel like it, trust me I know, but it isn’t true. Satan wants us to believe that we are alone in this world. He wants us to feel as though we have no one to hold us.

Do you want to know the secret to not falling for Satan’s lies?

Knowing the truth.

You are a child of the High King.

You are presented as blameless before the Lord.

While you were still lost in sin, He sent His son to die for you.

There is nothing you can do that could ever stop Him from loving you.

I could go on and on, but you get the point. No matter what you do, or where you go, He will never stop chasing after you.

The world wants you to feel ashamed. Part of living an uncommon life is surrendering every part to God. The good parts, and the bad parts. If you are struggling, there is help. You are not alone, and you can get through this.

If you or someone you know is struggling, the suicide prevention hotline is available 24/7 at 800-273-8255.

Show up for someone today. Bring them coffee, force them to hang out, just tell them you love them. Because God shows up for us in the faces of the people who surround us, and for someone that could be you.