A while ago I posted sharing some details about why we’ve been so quiet lately, and I’m finally getting around to elaborating on that subject.

Those who know us well know we were handed our dream two years ago. An old house to make a home, acres of land to run and play and the feeling of fulfillment. We felt like God was blessing us for being patient and obedient.

First, I do believe God gave us our dream and that it was a blessing. I also believe that God divinely chose to take it away.

I don’t believe we sinned or did anything wrong. I do believe God knows better than we do and for whatever reason we weren’t supposed to stay on the farm.

While I know and believe these things in my head, it doesn’t stop the pain and heartbreak of leaving. Trusting God is never easy, but as we packed up our lives and drove away it was hard not to question Him.

I haven’t shared much about this (especially here) because I didn’t want to feel my own pain. I’m queen of the feel no emotion tribe and absolutely pro at pushing everything down and pushing forward. But sometimes sharing is how we process.

Things have been painful and hard. Though we were able to buy a house we love and we are so happy about that, we also have grieved the loss of a home which was never truly ours.

Feeling both has been difficult. Mourning and rejoicing simultaneously does not come naturally and yet that’s where we’ve been.

The last night at the farm house we sent all our help home and sat in the empty house. I had been struggling for days to keep my composure as we moved and started new. But that night I broke down.

As I glanced around that empty house I could see were the memories. The months of quarantine spent in those rooms. The laughter, the arguments, and the joy. My children’s heights marked on the door post, and the marker “x” Ellie has drawn to mark her treasure.

And I cried. What started as quiet tears quickly became sobs. Ellie said goodbye to the home she spent her toddler years in and asked me why I was crying. I told her I was sad to leave but that the memories made me cry happy tears.

I’ve moved before my friends, many, many times but this move, this place was the hardest.

So we closed a chapter in our story and began a new one. One filled with hope for new memories. A new dream that we will harvest together. A fresh start.

I’m so grateful for the last chapter. Exceedingly blessed that it occurred and that God saw fit to let us live that dream for a little while.

Maybe you are grieving. Maybe you’ve lost a dream and are searching for what’s next. We get it, we are there too. Don’t lose faith. If I’ve learned one thing in the last 6 months it’s to feel the hurt. Mourn what you’ve lost but look forward with hope. Feel all the things and embrace that they happen simultaneously.

God will give a new dream, and he will see it through.